i don't know what to say

i am taking online class. i have test every week. it's like open book test actually. and i did use book, just little bit. the problem is no matter how well i look at my notes, my book, use my memories i will get 2 answers wrong everytime. it makes me feel frustrated. i think about it again and again i know that's because of my (what is the word for unpreprare? not ready?unprofessional?) on one question i had the answer in front of me and i looked in the wrong line and i got it wrong. i don't know what to say. don't tell me i am stupid either. i always live my life not to be stupid and that made me feel that i have to be perfect. i am telling u that's not healthy thought, being prefect. i know nothing is perfect and it takes long time for me to realize it. i used to angry at myself for little thing. nearly mental (me). well this time i have to tell myself that i am not prefect then.

dad is home. he is not for long time and i like it. i don't like to see my dad around. first of all everything in the house is someone's. but he thinks it's his. i brough a note book with my favourite cartoon in it, never open the wrap and yet he used it. i used to crazy about japenese cartoons so i have tons of cartoon stuffs guess what he threw them away (also my pics of actors/actresses). i used to look at him in the eyes and asked him "why did u trow away MY stuffs? " for him those things worth nothing, well, what about what is worth to ME? what did he think y i brough them? what did he think why i kept them for so many years?

respect me that's what i want. if he respects me he will do so to my belongings and i mean everything.

he wants me to be the person who is love politics, study, religious, etc. i am that person and he knows it. so anything that is out of that line he thinks it doesn't matter to me. i am what he wants me to be but i don't let him be satify of me much. what ever i do or did i will keep it to myself.

i used to try to make him proud of me. he does. now i know that what i did it's because i want his attention. he is not like any of my friends' dad. yes i see him everyday but it doesn't matter since he didn't interact with me.

i used to be happy that my mom had to work all day when she came home all she wanted to do is sleep, my dad did nothing what so ever to my life: i was free. everyone else complained about how their parents is so noisy. that did not happen to me. now i don't know if that is what i very want. but i can't go back and change my past, can i. even though i don't want to be near him i do love him and respect him as my father. i want to go to heaven after all. don't u?

the relationship b/w me and my mom is fine. at lease that's what i think. i don't mind hugging her or try to please her.

sometime the only way to find peace with ur self is to know who u r and be true to ur self.

what do u think?