Catch up

wow i got lots of catch up to do. what i should start first? i have wrote a diary and i was thinking of coping some of it to here but then it's 2 years of information. it would be pretty boring for me if i have to re-live it. ok i will just type the major things then.

ok the last post i did was Dec 24 06. in the first month of 07 i was in Thailand. my home country. the day we went to the airport something weird happened. 3-4 days before my mom gave a rent check to the people who were in the manager office. at the time the old manager just left and the new one was coming. so on the day we had to go we saw what we believe a new manager.

my mom asked if she received the check. she said what check. my mom told her that she gave it to her people. the new manager got angry, saying that my mom is a racist. she screamed and screamed i thought man what a sign.

i wondered what would my journey be like.

racist? she made a lot of people angry here.

a month later we came back and she was gone.

thx god.

when i got to the Thai airport, i wondered who was a person standing next to my uncle. he was tall and quite handsome, good looking.

it turned out he was my cousin. we have not seen each other for many years. he was 18 at the time. i always thought he was half blood and when i saw him, i knew it was true. he was just like any 18 years old boy who doesn't think about future and only live for today and tomorrow.

he preferred the life of artist and we all know what that would be like.

ohh by the way when i was in Thailand me and my cousin were lived together as a brother and sister. don't u think that i have a crush on him.

he told me a little bit about his gf and other women he dated. he told me about the day he had to run away from gangsters and polices.

when i heard all bout this, i wondered what he would turn out to be.

i went to Thailand after i had lived here for 4 years then visited once 2 years after that. during in Thailand was the only time i talked to my cousin.

the last time i was in Thailand there was an opened talk of my mom family, giving me a believe that i will have relatives in Thailand.

for long time i believe that there is nothing for me in Thailand.

non of my relatives were get along and i don't know my dad's side. i was so happy. i met other cousins that i haven't talk for age. i came back here with the believe that there is something there for me.

if there is something happen to me that i can't be here at least i can go home, back to my relatives.

last month on friday my uncle called me and told me that my cousin's gf gave birth to a baby girl.

what the hell.

i thought we have something. the relationship of brother and sister.

the relationship of relative.

and what the hell.

when i first heard this, i was claim and just didn't think of anything.

the first time i talked to him i was like you are an idiot etc..etc. and i talked to my gf in Thailand and just trashed my cousin and his gf.

the second time i talked to him i cried.

i can't believe that what i had thought is just that. i talked to many people and a monk. i got better and better. you know who is the one give me a good reason not to be crazy about this, it is mickey.

she said that i am an outsider to him, he now has his own family.

everything will be all about his family now. that just hits me. he has his own family now.

i am an outsider to him.

i know now that the only reason i was angry at my cousin is b/c i was thinking about myself.

i don't have a life here. everything including the time have not move at all.

i couldn't except that other ppl around me have move one w/ their lives.

i used to having control over my cousin. by him having his own family i get the feeling of losing control. it might sound crazy but i am a control freak. just so u know. that's another reason why i was angry and cried.

i am just a person that willing to just dump anything that will harm me in anyway.

i damped any hope of going back and live with my so-called extended family.

i am back at where i was: alone.

so my cousin just asked me for money.

i would give to him but not for what he asked.

it is for the wedding gift from me. i hope it would be a first and a last time that i give him money. i don't have him as my cousin anymore and i don't want our relationship to be based on money.

i don't want him to see me as a sister only b/c i can give him money.